1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons & daughters who are short, hairy,walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.

Thanks to David Butt for pointing me at this fantastic video which highlights all that we love and remember from a traditional British Christmas.

Today be the official Talk Like A Pirate Day matey, so you’d better hoist the jolly roger and batten down the hatches or the’ll be a mutiny fer sure.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCdNRPmCv9s

Dedicated ta Cap’n Slappy an’ Ol’ Chumbucket,
fer creatin’ National Talk Like A Pirate Day (September 19th)

Most days are like all of the others,
Go to work, come back home, watch TV,
But, brother, if I had me druthers,
I’d chuck it and head out to sea,

For I dream of the skull and the crossbones,
I dream of the great day to come,
When I dump the mundane for the Old Spanish Main
And trade my computer for rum! ARRR!

T’ me,
Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho,
It’s “Talk Like A Pirate” Day!
When laptops are benches God gave us for wenches,
And a sail ain’t a low price to pay!
When timbers are shivered and lillies are livered
And every last buckle is swashed,
We’ll abandon our cars for a shipfull of ARRRs
And pound back the grog till we’re sloshed. Yo ho ….

– Anyone see my keys?
– Just off the coast o’ Florida, matey! ARRR!

Don’t pick up yer phone and say “Hello,
Your ten-o-clock meeting’s delayed”,
Ye scrunch up yer face and ye bellow,
“AVAST! Ye’ve been bleedin’ BELAYED!”

Ye can’t keep this fun to yourself, I bet,
So sing “Aye”, “ARRR”, and “Ayy”, every man!
We ain’t got much grasp of the alphabet,
But a damn good retirement plan! (raucous laughter)

T’ me,
Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho,
It’s “Talk Like A Pirate” Day!
Whatever’s in fashion is in for a thrashin’
And bein’ polite is passe!
When it’s ev’ry man’s duty to grab his proud beauty
And let out a hearty YO HO!
And if this offends you, hold your breath as we sends
you
Ta Davy Jones’ Locker ya go!

– Where IS Davy Jones’ Locker, anyway?
– Right near Monkee Island! Arr, aye, arr….

We’ll tell every banker “Heave to and weigh anchor!”
Buy latte with pieces of eight
We’ll fight to be chosen as cap’n or bosun
The loser, o’ course, is worst mate!

When we hoist Jolly Roger the landlubbers dodge ‘er,
We fill ‘em with loathing and fear,
We’ll plunder and pillage each city and village,
Or at least clean out Wal-Mart of beer!

– Ahoy, mateys! And Welcome ta “Iron Chef Pirate!”
Let’s see the secret ingredient!
- Oh ho! There'll be some cutting-edge cuisine!

- "AWK! AWK!" - Hold still, Polly! I need this for me salad!
- Avast there, me bucko! Ye need CARROT shavings! CARROT!
- But Captain, I be on Atkins!
- Moron...

- And you! WHAT are ye doin' with that salmon?
- I'm grillin' it on a hunk o' cedar, what d'y'think?
- Ye CAN'T do that in a JAPANESE STIR-FRY, ye bilge rat!
- Oh HO! Ye never heard o' "wokkin' the plank"?

There ain't no computin' or morning commutin',
No "Parking Lot Full" signs for me,
No lawns ta be mowin' or bills to be owin',
I'm knowin' the pull of the sea.

The fresh salty brace of the wind on my face
Through hurricane, sunshine or squalls,
I'm keepin' my eyes on the distant horizon,
Verizon can hold all my calls!

To wear a red coat full o' buckles,
To earn a few duelling scars,
Well, at least we can get a few chuckles
By filling the office with ARRRs!

And maybe we'll never get closer,
Than watchin' 'em on the big screen,
So here's to old Errol and Depp as Jack Sparrow,
And every damn one in between!

T' me,
Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho,
It's "Talk Like A Pirate" Day!
That time in September when sea dogs remember
That grown-ups still know how ta play!
When wenches are curvy and dogs are all scurvy
And a soft-wear patch covers your eye,
Ta hell with our jobs, for one day we're all swabs
And buccaneers all till we die!

So hoist up the mainsails and shut down your brain cells,
They only would get in the way,
Avast there, me hearty, we're havin' a party,
It's "Talk Like A Pirate" Day!

Yo Ho!

Words and Music Copyright 2003-2006 by Tom Smith

For all those people who have to ask someone else to fix their computer, the answer is finally here. This is the secret to being a computer guru – a real tech support geek.

Of course, the only problem with this is that you have to be able to read
a flow chart in order to understand it.

1. You trade in your deluxe Camry for a four-wheel-drive Explorer.
2. You trade any motorized vehicle for a bike and a bus pass.
3. You have more running shoes and hiking boots than pumps in your closet.
4. You carry a backpack, not a purse or a briefcase.
5. You bypass any coffee shop that doesn’t offer at least five varieties of latte.
6. You forget what the numbered factors on suntan lotion containers means.
7. Nobody corrects you any more when you pronounce Willamette.
8. You are incapable of saying the word “Californian” without using a derogatory adjective.
9. It’s 55 degrees and raining, and you get up a half-hour early to wash your shorts and T-shirts so you’ll have something to wear that day.
10. You have misplaced one umbrella for each month you’ve been in Oregon.
11. You can give five reasons why native salmon runs are dwindling.
12. A visiting out-of-town relative compliments your hazelnut bread and you start a family feud by insisting it be called filbert bread.
13. Nobody corrects you anymore when you pronounce Champoeg.
14. You know at least three effective ways to kill slugs without using poison.
15. Someone mentions surfing, and you ask whether the wind is up in Hood River.
16. You have the surfboard rack on your car converted to a mountain bike rack.
17. Your casual clothes and your yardwork clothes are one and the same.
18. Your casual clothes and your business clothes are one and the same.
19. When going on a picnic, you pack the tarp before the food.
20. When somebody mentions studs, you immediately think of tires instead of male animals or lumber.
21. Nobody corrects you anymore when you pronounce Yachats.
22. You realize you’ve mowed the lawn more often than you’ve made love in the past month.
23. You’re able to comparison-shop for roof moss remover.
24. Not only do you no longer need to be shamed by coworkers into joining the company’s Hood to Coast team, but your minivan becomes the team bus.
26. You use the word “Rosaria” in a sentence.
27. You are capable of debating the merits of at least five Portland microbreweries or three Willamette Valley wineries or any combination thereof.
28. You’ve learned the Pendleton Round-Up isn’t a sale on wool shirts and the Albany Timber Carnival wasn’t a celebration of antique wooden Ferris wheels. [Update 2005 – Alas, the Timber Carnival is no more. Gone the way of other timber-related stuff.
29. You average only one nasty comment about Seattle per week.
30. You no longer need to pick up one of the little floor maps when you enter Powell’s Books.
31. Packy’s birthday doesn’t sneak up on you anymore.
32. It no longer seems odd to you that Oregon has an official state nut, insect, fish, seashell, rock, gemstone (it’s not the same as the rock), tree and dance.
33. You don’t laugh anymore at mention of the towns of Boring, Riddle, Talent, Tangent, Drain, Sisters, Brothers, Echo, Bonanza, Halfway, Paisley, Rufus or Spray.
34. Nobody corrects you anymore when you pronounce Gervais.
35. You give away Zucchini instead of receive it.
36. All of your relatives know how to pronounce Oregon.
37. Gray becomes your favorite color.

If a dog was the teacher, you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout..! run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you’re not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

– Daisy & Becky

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.